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| I know that dwelling on the past is pointless, but I don't know how to stop doing it. I have this morbid curiosity about it. I want to know every little detail, even though I know those details will make me even more unhappy than I am not knowing. I get knots in my stomach every time I start to think about it, and it makes me feel sick. I never, ever thought someone's past would bother me so much. I never thought I could be so uncomfortable with things that, in all honesty, really aren't that bad.
At the beginning, it really didn't bother me. Stories, insinuations, whatever, they were no big deal. But that was before I cared enough for it to matter. It's like the more invested in this I get, the worse I feel about his past. There are certain conversations with conflicting stories, and I know if I bring it up it'll be one of those "Are you kidding? You're really bringing this up?" kind of conversations, but it's eating away at me. It's making me resentful.
I think that these thoughts are holding me back, and I hate that. I know the best thing to do is probably just to bring it out into the open, but it's one of those things that I'm embarrassed about even thinking. I don't even know how I'd go about bringing it up. I'd better come up with a way soon though, because I've been unusually short with him lately and I can only assume this is why.
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| I'm feeling a little nervous about some things, and this is the only place I'm comfortable talking about it.
It's about Trey. It's not that he's done
anything wrong, it's just that we are so different. Don't get me wrong,
we're actually pretty compatible when it comes to the big things, stuff
that really matters. But the little things are total opposites. He's so
outgoing, the epitome of Mr. Football Frat Guy...and, well, I am just
not used to being around that. There are a lot of stories he has and
things he's interested in that, honestly, make me cringe. Like talking
about going to spring break at Panama City Beach. Or telling me about
the girls that his friends have had sex with, or talking about people
he knows who've had boob implants. I never, ever envisioned myself with
someone like him and sometimes it's hard for me to be on the same page
with him.
I didn't realize it at first, or maybe the more I get into it the
bigger it gets, but I am really not comfortable with his dating
history. He is the kind of person who can go to a pet store and find a
dog he wants to bring home with him every time, and I'm afraid that
sort of translates into his relationships too. He's had 4 serious
girlfriends since starting college, I think the shortest amount of time
he was with any of them was 6 months. The others were, I believe, at
the very least a year. This also is not counting me. Basically, he's
kind of always in a serious relationship. He's a very caring,
passionate guy, and I love him with all my heart, but I am so, so
afraid that what I see as something really special, that I couldn't
hope to find again, to him is just more of the same.
He keeps telling me these really meaningful things, like how he wants
to marry me, and how no matter where I decide to go to grad school
he'll go with me...but deep down I am literally terrified that if I
take those things to heart, it'll hurt me in the end. I don't know how
many of those other girls he said the exact same things to. I know he
really means it, but he would've meant it to them too. I know he loves
me, but there are so many things in his life he changes his mind on
every few months, how am I supposed to assume that I won't be one of
those things? He doesn't get that I really, really do not want to hear
about his ex-girlfriends. Like, makes me want to cry/puke I don't want
to hear it so much. He thinks the reason I don't want to hear about
them is that I'm jealous that I think he wants them back. He gets
irritated with me because to him, it's like I'm saying I don't want you
to know any girls but me. I guess maybe it comes from the fact that he
isn't too familiar with self doubt. It's not those girls today that I'm
jealous of, it's the memories of them. It's the knowing that he looked
at them and touched them and talked to them the exact same way he does
with me, and it hurts because it's like having to share him and I'm
always wondering how I might match up. This will probably sound weird,
but he's the first person I've ever dated that I really felt like he is
better than me. That's not something he's driven into my head or
anything, it's just how I feel. I think he's more attractive, more
confident, more friendly, and all around just a better person than I am.
Which brings me to my final bit of ranting. He doesn't "get" me. And I
think that's the scariest thing of all. Things I think are funny, he
doesn't see the humor in. He's always taking things I say the wrong
way, missing the meaning because he just doesn't think the way I do. We
sort of come from different worlds. I am so uncomfortable around a lot
of the people he knows because they're the people who went Greek in
college, partied a lot, who are super social and everybody knows them.
Not my type of people. I dunno maybe I just feel inferior. He doesn't
really fit in with my friends either. He just plain doesn't get us.
All in all, these few complaints really get overshadowed by the crazy
amounts of good things going for us. But...well, I guess if they're
enough to make me nervous, they must be important, right?
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| Everybody has ups and downs...right? | | |
| It's been almost a year since I felt any reason to write anything here, but tonight I felt the urge to bitch about some stuff, and since I figure no one really wants to hear about it anymore, I'd vent to cyberspace instead.
I'm afraid that I'm turning into that girl that everyone whispers about at weddings and things...the girl that seems to have so much going for her, and yet has this strange inability to maintain a healthy relationship. You know that whole always a bridesmaid, never a bride thing? I feel like that's where I'm headed.
I don't understand how I can fall so hard for people that are so wrong for me. I thought I'd found a guy I could have fun with who I really like and who I thought liked me, but more and more that's seeming to be not the case. I don't even really know why I'm letting things with him upset me so much either. We were never really that serious. Or at least he wasn't. I think the problem is that I was the girl with a boyfriend for so long, I don't know how to be happy alone. So many people talk about how much they love "the single life" and how great it is being free of messy commitments, but I hate it. I WANT to be the girl with a boyfriend. I want that support system, I want that person. I want that friend I know will always be there, and I want someone who wants to see me more than anyone else. I know it's stupid to place so much importance on having a boyfriend, but it's not something I can easily change. More than anything, I want to be kissed and held and loved, I want to feel like there's a reason to get up in the morning. I want to love again. I thought I'd found the person I wanted to do that with, but I don't think he wants me. | | |
| It makes me sad to think that I never get to be little again.
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